LOST

this morning, when i rummaged through my bag, i realized that i have lost a very important part of my being the previous night.

MY OP WALLET

it was worth S$16. mommy bought it for me last january.

it contained my mom's atm card, UP's letter of admission for me, my god's picture, my library card, my digicard from SUBARU, my GENTXT cards, my new SUN sim, 500 worth of Philippine Peso... and more than that.

it's a damn FUCKAROW i tell you!!!

It's About Time...

it has been... what? a month since i last ranted here.
maybe because there's nothing much to say. or maybe i am just holding back
my supposed emotions.

damned fuckarow! can't i have at least one fuckaree once in a while? why do i have to suffer? why do i have to undergo such tribulations which was not really meant for someone as dumb as me?

but what the heack! maybe i have seen it coming but failed to recognize the truth staring right back at me...

(beside meself) i don't understand what i'm blabbering about.

sorry.

SSDD

yet again...

it's the same shit, just a different day...

or maybe it's not the same shit after all.

i've been happy. yeah.

but now, i don't think i am.

a travel to the skies

by 6 am, i'll be on the road with other people. we're heading to rizal...

i don't know but... we'll go hiking... am so excited already... can't sleep...
can't stop checking my things... can't stop double-checking my things...

kc po... aakyat kmi ng bundok! yahoo!!!

PT1... monday n lang ako upload ng mga pix natin from malate...
sasabay ko na sa pix na makukuha ko today...

till then!

CRAM!!!

it's finals week!!!

let's hope for the best! hehehehe

these are the days

nothing's been up lately.... except that jogging is really crazy... and everyday i look forward to it because it means another free snack or dinner... hehehehe nice, eh?

also, we've been having this insane craving for alcohol for the past week... i was like late for the first time in my english class... and the following day... i was absent... from the same class... hehehe

now i'm thinking of what reason to make so i could get meself an admission slip. anyways, gotta go now... and get some sleep...

Hear... the gospel according to DAVID! hehehehe

sir j.Lo, mam ?, ms gacos and webster alindog...

nightout at blue wave

MGA BANGAG! part2

MGA BANGAG!

natsumi behind the camera while the rest of the gang pose...

ms joan and ms nona of PT-4

after-chow at kfc with the 'invincible' PT studs...

----------
i flared up at my friend, czarina today.

i got so fed up with her indecisiveness and irresponsibility.

i walked out on her. too bad jake was with her. i'm not sorry i did that. i'm not being a primadonna or something. but i'm only pointing out that as young adults, we should be firm with our decisions and be true to our word. perhaps, let us think at least twice before we give our answers or we'd leave other people hanging on the edge.

fuckarow!

----------

i almost forgot...

almost...

------------------------------

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG!

hihihihihihi!

------------------------------

----------
our thrice-a-week run has started today. after class, we'd have to run, for the first week, for 15 minutes.

it was one helluva run! because my body was not used to doing such workout! i was completely exhausted. my thigh muscles ached. and i was drenched with my own salty sweat. hehehehe

it was fun though! it was fun. we are holding our workout at macapagal blvd...

----------------------------------------
Fourth of September

it's a saturday. too many things in just a day. let us see how many.

first things first. early in the morning, i received an sms from a friend inviting me to attend a journalism seminar they were having at school. i declined. why? i didn't feel 'IN' it. and besides i was not even sure of joining their publication. after several persuasion, i agreed to be there. so i dashed to the bathroom and cleaned up my arse. talk about ecstacy!

Morale of the event:
wash your arse first thing in the morning so you don't rush when someone persuades you to get somewhere.
dream, believe... ATTACK!

----------
before the seminar ended, i rushed home to prepare for the next seminar we were required to attend to in my Philosophy class. with anxiety all over my system, my friend jake and i decided to take a ride at the LRT so we could get to our destination without being late for more than half an hour. i was completely pissed off! since we were together, we decided to ride at the rear part of the train where most men are. it was half-past 12. rush hour. need i say more? ok. we both were crushed by those macho idiots!

Morale of the event:
don't always assume that you are one-of-the-boys.

----------
my Philosophy seminar was supposed to be a blast. maybe i expected too much. but hey! didn't we pay to have Mr. Jaime Licauco to speak before us? did i gain anything from it? not much. we have textbooks for that. and the spaghetti wasn't worth FIGHTING for! the taste was bland.

Morale of the event:
assumptions are not always correct that's why they are called so.
not all foods named spaghetti are made by French. sometimes they are made by French wannabees...
be careful what you fight for. otherwise you might lose your life for something that is not of equal value to it.

----------
jake, czarina, carol and i decided to go to RobPlaceMla. thinking it was only a few steps away from where the seminar was held, we walked. hell yeah! we walked! we only realized its ACTUAL distance when we arrived at our destination with sore feet, gasping for fresh air, undoubtedly hungry. i was losing grip of my rationale because of hunger. i was irritable already. so maybe i pissed them off-- cza and carol. but what the heck! i was hungry and out of my senses. so i was left with jake. we pigged out at McDonald's before roaming around looking for that something we didn't know. until i saw this bookstore. i remembered to buy myself a NEW AMERICAN BIBLE. what was that? you read it right. a BIBLE. not that i have become much more of a catholic. i needed the book for my Religious class.

shopped for some things at Papemelroti. which i would eventually give to someone. *sigh...

then i saw Animenia. i almost missed what i was looking for until i decided to ask for it. my lucky day! i was able to purchase a copy of the last chapters of Kenshin Himura's life. SEISOUHEN. i was so excited that the moment i saw it and verified it, i immediately called up Kristoffer to inform hm of my fortunate find! and how i told him he was some kind of a loser because I HAD IT FIRST! hehehehe

Morale of the event:
do not talk to a hungry person.
shop for a while to ease down the CHOW.
seek and you will find... ask and you shall receive... NYAHAHAHA!
losers are those who do not have... SEISOUHEN!

----------
i was only too happy to go home. what with my find! i was so eager to watch the vcd that i bought. but damned traffic jam! and when i did come home... i found out that my laptop had been hacked and been rummaged by a virus... DAMN! i lost everything! i couldn't even watch my vcd nor my dvds on it. lost my thousand music files and pix! WHAT A FUCKAROW!
[it's been fixed by now. i'm using my laptop but it's too damn slow. 24.09]

----------
far too many things in a day...

confession of a learned soul...

------------------------------
change is inevitable. i accept this truth.

for whether we like it or not, we have to go through it every once
in a while. too many times in my life have i resented these
alterations and it was not easy.

to know that your life has changed may be easy. but to accept it
and adhere to it is another business. moving on is a different story.

once i felt like the world has gone insane. i thought i only tripped.
lo! i stumbled head-on the ground and hurt myself in the process. when i
stood up, i thought the world was the same. but the injury altered
my perception of the experience. thus impairing me. for the longest
of time.

i put my foot forward as to what is supposed to be--
my first step towards moving on after 1000 days of stagnation.

i have gone far and wide. the road seems to go on like forever.
the second part of my journey has just begun.

so far, so good.

IV-RIZAL Class 2001-2002

cochi the dog wonder...
photographed by natsumi

one day in the life of a frog...
photographed by Natsumi

the magic of lights...  

Almost A Life's Story

nope. we ain't here to tell a very, very long story. i'm just passing by to let the whole web world know that my midterm exams have just passed. and here's hoping to get them passed.

anyways. i'm really, really pissed off today. grrr!!!

the moon... 

BZZZ

been too busy with school lately. haven't been blogging. i missed it soooo much! anyways, i have an alternate blog. i chose to separate it, because it may well depict the other side of me... at school.

this blog is for me... in general.

http://natsumi-at-sjd.blogspot.com/ is different.

till then. i still have some homework to do before i could get my much-wanted slumber...

jonathan peers estrera
photograph sent by Jonathan

-----------------------------------

TRL

-----------------------------------

The Fab 5 or the Power 5???
photographed by Natsumi

-----------------------------------

[i hope i get this right...]
L-R:
:: joshua ::
:: mary grace ::
:: aldric ::
:: febbie ::
:: tracy pearl ::

-----------------------------------

carol may penaranda
photographed by Natsumi

----------------------------------

she's one of the first people i've met during the first day of classes.

her child-like persona endears her to everyone [at least, in my opinion] and so is her being bubbly and poppy like bubbles.

----------------------------------

czarina and her tongue ring... ASTEEG!!!

photographed by Natsumi

-----------------------------------
eto po si czarina malitao...
ang babaeng maraming itinatagong lihim.

asteeg na punk!!!
sorry, i don't think she wants her face to be glimpsed here.

this lady is one of my new classmates in San Juan de Dios College.

-----------------------------------

let's drink to that! [whatever that is!]
photographed by Natsumi

Goodbyes To The Life of a BUM

Goodbye to my old life.

Goodbye Bum Queen.

Goodbye.

Classes have started last Monday, 14 June 2004. And i had the most unexplainable jitters. it's been two years since i looked at my self in a mirror wearing a school uniform. i felt really silly in my new ones. pencil-cut skirt and all... an inch-heeled pair of shoes... black foot socks...

it's been two years since i entered into a formal institution [not that informatics was not]. anyways, this whole thing will go down in my autobiography sometime in the future. right now, i have to research about an initial assignment for my EN101-1PT class.

that would mean i may not be able to update my blog regularly. anyway, not too many people get to glimpse at this. [at least, i think so.]

till then!

BIYAHE NA NAMAN?!?...

----------------------------------

nahirapan din kami sa pag-uwi. ang init ng sikat ng araw noh! fuck-shit nga eh! sunog ako! tustado! tatlong ordinary buses din ang pinalampas namin. punuan na kasi. ung nasakyan namin, air-conditioned kaya lang sa likod na kami banda nakaupo. kita naman sa picture. nasa pinakagitna pa ako. ang takot ko lang baka biglang mag-preno ang driver, didiretso talaga ang lola niyo sa gitna ng bus. hehehe

si mama pala yang nasa right hand ng picture na nakasuot ng color blue-green na blouse. syempre nakatalikod. hehehe

libre ang panoorin. hehehe kaya lang, hindi na masaya kasi napanood ko na 'to eh. Black Hawk Down

----------------------------------

chow time for the doves...

----------------------------------

hehehe katuwaan lang. hapon na nang kunan ko ng litrato ang tatlong mokong na yan. pinapakain lang nila ang ilan sa 100+ na alagang kalapati ng tito ko na nasa singapore ngayon at nagtatrabaho.

pinsan ko ung dalawa sa inyong right view. ung girl doon sa left ay pinsan naman nila sa nanay nila. hehehe

ang bahay ni lola... at lolo

----------------------------------

eto ang asteeg na bahay nina lolo at lola, ang mga magulang ni mama ko. pinsan ko lang ang mag-isang nakatira diyan ngayon. patay na kasi si lolo, last 2002 pa. wala nga ako dito sa pinas noon. kasalukuyan ko kasing inaayos ang application ko sa school noon sa singapore. di ko man lang siya nakita kahit sa huling sandali [mag-drama daw ba dito!]. eh si lola naman, bakasyonista ngayon sa singapore. alam ko nahihirapan na rin siya sa kalagayan niya. maysakit kasi siya.

asteeg ang haybol na ito sapagkat pina-renovate yan ni tita. ilang beses nang pinabendisyunan sa iba't ibang klaseng pari, pero meron pa ring nakikitira. wala namang kaso sa akin yun. yung mga bisita lang kasi ang type nilang pagtripan. hehehe

----------------------------------

pretty, little, cute flowers...

----------------------------------

are they not so?

i had them taken a few minutes after arriving from a long bus ride and a bumpy and grumpy journey aboard my uncle's tricycle from the bus stop that's about 4-5 kilometers. hehehe

----------------------------------

ubos ang powers ko dito... pramis!

SADAKO... 'kaw ba yan?

Sadako

----------------------------------
eto nga pala si Stephanie Ann Shayne G. Gonzaga. s'ya yung kasama ko na nag-videoke showdown hahapon. hehehehe

SMILE!!!

from L-R:
norvie, elvie, john, kid1, sally-boy [with the V sign], marisol with the microphone, kid2, kid3

kewl dude! you don't even know the names of those three kids!
::>anyways, it's not that important. or is it? hehehe
------------------------------------

i think yesterday's going to be the most memorable birthday i'll ever have. although not everyone's present [i called 'em up only when the food arrived just to be sure i have some to serve], at least my bestfriends came.

christen came along with her boyfriend-- jerickson, and her neice [i forgot her name]. too bad. they only came to greet me. they were on their way down south and couldn't stay longer. so i shooed them off. hehehe joke joke joke...

aiza was with tita jo, her mom. and they were just great! i love them both. aiza, christen and i are... we're like the best of friends [are we really?]. doubt not that shit!

and my friend back in primary school-- liza, was also present. we haven't seen each other in the flesh for a long time. and it felt good having our friendship renewed [like a binding, life-time contract, eh].

my bestfriend and playmate since i was 5 years old, norvie was also present to party with us. she had with her her sister.

and last, but not the least, stephanie came and conquered us all with her powerful voice as she sang BEAUTIFUL vii XTINA AGUILERA. hehehe

-----------------------------------

Since it's my birthday...

this was taken at Jurong Bird Park. that's me right there on your very screen... the one with the blue cap, with her unnoticeable parrot. that's momma beside me. the girl in red shirt is my cousin angela, next to her with the red 'bird' is my sister len-len, then my cousin joven's girlfriend salvi and my cousin jessica with the white visor.

-------------------------------------

it's not a lie. i do celebrate my birthday.
and i'm 19 already... old, eh? anyway, i just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone, who in a way or two has helped me become what i am today. to my detractors, i thank you so much. IOU a lot. no doubt about that shit. hehehe to my critics, merci! remember, the world does not erect stautes for people like you. to my momma and sister, [if ever you'd be able to read this] words alone would never suffice to how grateful i am to The One for having you near me. to the whole pack, i love y'all. to my bestfriends, thank you so much for everything... for sticking it up with me. to those who wanna be ma friend, it's never too late...

and to The One. eventhough at times my faith faltered. The One believed in me still. to thank you is not enough. never would that be enough. my life right now is how you want it to be. i completely surrender.

-------------------------------------

since it's my birthday, i kinda thought of posting a picture here that has me in it. anyway, the real size of the picture is quite big. but in my blog, resolution has to be sacrificed. hehehe that's why i, myself, cannot make out my face in here. hehehe

-------------------------------------

Idle Hand

look at my hand... and zoom into my index finger dyed with the so-called indelible ink. yup. i, too, have cast my very first vote last May 10 elections.

Mommy, where art thou?

my cute cousin lookin' out...

Gimme your sweet smile, momma!

our vacation at Singapore...

What Are You Looking At?

meet my cat... 'ming'

Manna Tree

a spot at the entrance of Our Lady of Manaoag
---------------------------------------------------

for all we know... this could be the Manna Tree [we] have been
looking for. the tree of life and eternal truth... hehehe

Bagoong Pots

these are pots made of clay. they contain the famous BAGOONG from pangasinan. this is in Lingayen. i took it last april.

Bathed In The Afternoon Sun

this is the door of one of the two rooms in our house in pangasinan, taken in the afternoon.

Hello World...

this was me back in my 'younger' days...

yet again..

i feel like being born into this world for the first time. honestly. the past few days of my life has had me tremendously altered. i have been pondering much, as my previous entry proves, about how my life has changed so far. stop.

i am starting out a new life. after two, long years of wandering in the dark, i have finally found some glimmer of light. i am, hopefully, close to realizing my life's purpose here on earth. [does that sound so creepy to you?] anyways, that is just fine. stop.

honestly, i am changed. stop.

change topic.

something's been bothering me lately. and it's my heart. that's right! she's been bugging me lately about this person from my not-so-distant past. he has come back. apparently with a package-full of goodies! yeah, baby. and now she's begging me to give it a go and dip both my feet into waters at the same time. now ain't that stupid? "only a fool would test the depth of water with both feet."

but really, i don't want to talk about this here.

Pondering About Life

lately, i've been thinking much. so much that i could not sleep sometimes. i have been contemplating much about my life as it is now.

my year kickstarted with a bang! hell yeah! i was in singapore until Chinese New Year. we were so happy then because we were also celebrating my aunt's birthday. a few days after, i suddenly had to rush back to manila. the news of my father's untimely death gave me a shock of a lifetime. but i think i carried everything well until he's been buried. only, i did not think of how his death would somehow change some aspects of my life.

i have accepted that a part of me will always miss him. and i have accepted, too, that somewhere in the mansions of my heart, i may hate him and love him at the same time. only sometimes i could not bear to think that he's gone. that he's really gone. that there's no way i could ever talk to him again and ask for his forgiveness. maybe in time i may be pardoned, only if i learn to forgive myself... soon.

april came and april went... through a magic crystal wheather... and again she has left me with another "passing" memory. the death of my class adviser back in my senior year in secondary school came as another shock to me. no one ever thought that NT had such sickness. besides, no one ever thinks of dying in their prime! so it really came as some surprise to us all.

death, loss, loneliness, pain, hatred... i realized now that everyone has to go through these things at some point in our lives in order for us to learn about the most important things in life... our faith in GOD, relationships [that includes our families], shared happiness and grievances, courage to change things and wisdom to accept the things we can not change.

UNPLUGGED

i will be away for about a week. i'm going to pangasinan later this afternoon. we'll just have to wait up for my aunt who's arriving from singapore. then we'll be off.

so, i won't be able to blog for a while.

anyone who wants to reach me, my number is on my personal circumstances.

ROAD TRIP

31 March 2004
9:00 p.m.
mission :: deliver the goods

three hours of pure-leaded encounter of the automobile kinds. damned traffic jam! imagine getting stuck at bonifacio avenue in balintawak-- welcome to hell -- from 9:00 p.m. till 12:00 midnight...
north luzon expressway we overrun a metallic object with a great impact. it's almost like one of the front wheels exploded. i thought we were going to lose control of the vehicle and just smash head-on to other cars. *sigh* we were fine.

1 April 2004
5:00 a.m.

finally, after 8 hours on the road, we reached Baguio. trailing Kennon Road, again after almost five years, was an exhilirating experience! the mountains stood in all their magnificence, wrapping me in the most wonderful feelings in all the world. and the cold, morning air was a fresh bath leaving me breathless and wanting more. you cannot experince that when you're in manila where there's only pollution in the air and where the temperature keeps rising to scorching degree.

6:00 a.m.
camp seven:: we arrived at the destination. breakfast at seven whislt a pirated copy of Legally Blonde 2 was playing. 9:00 a.m. till 12:30 p.m., i had my much wanted slumber, at long last. lunch then preparations.

2:30 p.m.
mission :: home

'trekking' down Kennon Road so we could go back to manila. travel was smooth. plus the sun's warmth was really calming in the afternoon at pangasinan [4:00 p.m.]. i had the urge to tell the driver to take a turn go to my hometown-- bayambang. but that was just out of the line. we had to get to manila because lileth has a flight to catch tomorrow morning.

6:00 p.m.
this was a nightmare-like experience. we had to stop at a gasoline station somewhere in tarlac, tarlac. the driver saw what really happened to our jeepney last night when we hit the metallic entity along the expressway. i don't which part was broken that needed to be replaced. it was scary because it's dusk already. and the nearest auto supply shop was almost a kilometer away and it's dificult to get a tricycle 'round here. the driver had to walk. we waited for him for an hour. and he fixed the jeepney, in an hour, too.

8:00 p.m.
back on the road again we thought it was already A-OK, y'know. but we thought wrong. the jeepney wasn't going well. in fact, it seemed like we were dragging something really heavy. we were causing a major traffic build up behind us and we had to change lanes and move to the road shoulder. damn! we cannot go faster than a snail! it would take us another hour and a half before we reach a gasoline station with McDonald's nearby [syempre, special request].

9:30 p.m.
capas, tarlac
munching on my cheeseburger the driver was exchanging words with some of the tricycle drivers in the area. after he had his share, he pounced that part which was broken with another metallic object [ah, blame me! i know not a thing about parts of a vehicle!] mama was already frantic because lileth was with us and she had a flight to catch early tomorrow. she even suggested that if the jeepney can't be fixed, we'd have to take a bus from here to manila. the jeepney cannot be on the road dahil po sa colorum. we'd have to leave dear mr. driver and the jeepney. but anyway, we didn't have to resort to that. after about an hour, we're on the road once more.

2 April 2004
12:00 midinight
north luzon expressway
heavy traffic... inhaling dust and smoke. experiencing too much in the last 24 hours of my hardly-lived life was *way kewL* and muy-exciting and such a FUCKAROW!

2:30 a.m.
pasay, sin city
with my back aching, a lurching stomach-- hungry for food, excited for another bout with carbohydrates and all; a sticky feeling all over because of the confusion of dust, smoke, perspiration; too much humidity...
finally, I AM HOME

Jim Caviezel *~*~*~* my man

i first saw this hottie in the movie The Count of Monte Cristo. and at that moment i knew he was the one... he was the epitome of my *dream husband* yay! his performance in that movie is truly inspiring. i fell in love with Edmond Dantes. until now, i still burn for him. hehehe you just gotta love this man. his *beauty is enigmatic [this is my blog, i can say whatever i want to say here!]. his smile is so immaculate. and his gaze... it melts my heart. his eyes, i could drown in them. [inarte_ang_bruha]

but on the real thing, man, he has talent. and there's no denying that fact. oh, he's much blessed! good looks and superb talent! what more can a mere human being ask for?!?!?!

i am looking forward to seeing The Passion of The Christ. it's just that, no one's available to see it with me. anyway, i can always wait until the DVD is released. i'd prefer to see it on DVD rather than at the cinema where there'd me much disturbance for concentration. and there's also Highway Men to watch out for.

The Lord of The Rings: TFOTR; TTT: Special Extended DVD

it's quite funny. it's been two months since i have laid my hands on these stuffs. and it was only today that i, at last, uncovered their Easter Eggs.

on TFOTR, i found the hidden *preciousss on the first disc. and it was hilarious!!! totally! Mr. Peter Jackson said MTV created it. damn! i didn't see in on MTV! how could i've missed it! anyway, it was quite surprising to see jack black's *arse on screen! exhilirating! imagine having *the one ring* to be inserted into his *lil hobbit and then having the council to decide what to do with it... the hidden video was an alternative to what really happened at *the council of Elrond. i already spilled much of the beans...

on TTT, it's also on the first disc. i've seen this one on MTV! yes, my preciousss. i've seen it. it's MTV-ASIA movie awards last year. it was created by the Digital FX team of Mr. Peter Jackson. they knew beforehand that Mr. Andy Serkis was going to receive an award for his performance as Gollum. really an ice-breaker!

anyway, both dvd sets are worthy of my dollars... really worthy...

BEEZEE

way sleezy!!!

i don't really feel like blogging.

i feel like i'm missing someone. he may never know i'm missing him but he may be able to read this.

ahhh... this is hopeless...

SSDD

it's SSDD...

but it's good that i'm a little better now. thanks to BRANDY!!! hehehehe

man!!! you gotta love BRANDY!!!

what? you don't know BRANDY???

anyway, Brandy is... who? Brandy???

i don't know either...

am becoming such a dorkass here...

anyway... hello to my friend... what was the name again???

SSDD

yeah, man! it's the Same Shit, Different Day... yet again...

i'm worse right now.

but i can still manage.

i even had a shot of brandy that's supposed to help me sleep earlier. i just didn't know it'd have a different effect on me. instead of lulling me to my much-wanted slumber, i am quite stimulated to stay up for another couple of hours, thus giving me the chance to blog about it. hehehe

one of these days, i'll be changing the skin of my blog. it's become an eyesore to me already. i guess it's because i see the same colors everyday. i've grown to dislike it. i just hope i'll be over and done with the new template i'm modifying; again it's by may*star. and may*star is may, but she's not me. she's a lady from across the globe. i don't personally know her, but she's quite popular in the net. that i can bet on!!!

hehehe

i'll see if i can come back later and blog again.

SSDD

666F726576657220627920796F757220736964652E00


this is in hex... try it...

SSDD

you know the feeling of monotony???
i guess this is it...

i'm sick to the bones and i'm depressed. totally.

this is one hell of a fuckarow!!!

SSDD, by the way, means Same Shit, Different Day...

this is funny yet very comgeeky...

check this out:
010011010111100100100000011011010110111101110100
011010000110010101110010001000000110100101110011
001000000110000100100000011001100110100101110011
0110100000101110

if you wanna know what this means, go to:
nickciske

i hate it!!!

damn! i ain't feeling well right now. i think i'm having a flu. can't breathe easily. and i have a bad bout of cough.
don't really feel like blogging but i figure that i have to. anyway, i just want to get well again and soon...

lost... found... and lost again?

i thought i'd never find him again. i never really thought much about it until i found him now. it's been too long since we last saw each other. it's been too long since we last said goodbye. it's been too long since i heard his voice over the phone. it's been too long...

it's been too long...

and now, i'm afraid that it's too late. too late for everything.

i know i may be a year older than him, but he probably looks older than me. but damn! i cannot figure out what's going on in my brain... all the memories keep rushing in at full speed, without warning.

upon learning of his status, i reallly felt like sinking deep. sinking to a bottomless pit. sinking deeper and deeper by the moment... and now, all i could do is think about those times when he was at my reach and still could not touch him...

oh! the unfathomable mysteries of life...

DAMN IT ALL!!!

the first time i saw his picture, the feeling was overwhelming. it was so life-like. it was as if he weren't really dead. but the face of the man in the photograph exudes a feeling of melancholy, hopelessness and loss. and i could neither bear to look at it in close range nor stare at it for a minute. it made me feel exactly how it looked. and it made me wanna cry. but i couldn't bear to cry! no! not with too many people around me. not with those prying eyes... no! never!

then i saw something that had once belonged to him. that thing was from me. a coffee mug. on the mug was the message: "IDOL KO SI DADDY". how ironic. i used to feel like, yeah, i admire this man... he's perfect... i loved him. and i still do. damn! i still do!

and now that he's six feet below the ground, may he rest in peace. for peace, as of now, is far from my grasp. i cannot rest my mind nor my heart. no. not yet. until everything is settled.

acceptance. letting go. damned difficult business! up until now, i still could not believe he is dead. that everything i thought of as true and valid are in fact-- lies. that behind the perfect image is a rotting corpse. that the rotting corpse was my father. that my father was a big, fat liar!!!

no, i am not crying right now. that's way out of my league now. i won't cry for him anymore. no. not a single tear. but damn it! he's in my thoughts everytime my mind slips from reality. everytime, like now. and damn! i don't like it!!!

soon... it will be over. soon it will be over and done with...

to those people going against me... think again. for you do not know the real me. no. not at all. so watch your steps. and take extra precaution along the way.

travails and travels...

hehehe
at dawn, i'd be on the road to pangasinan together with my mother and her friend.
it would be the 40th day of my father's death.
duh...