silence creeps in...
shadows fall into place...
life wasted on nothingness
where do i go
silence rings in ears
breaking the monotony
of a lame life
where do i go
silence all i could hear
shadows closing in on me
fear up my throat
where do i go
silence is all there is
nothingness is bound to be
lust down my groin
where do i go
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Friday, September 19, 2003
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
duh...
I recently added a Hit Counter. nothing important really. just want to know the number of people viewing my blog, that's all.
IF I COULD
If the worry was mine to dance in
I'd let you take the lead
If I could find the perfect place
I'd never let you leave
If I could write the perfect song
I'd hear it through your voice
If I could have the perfect love
You would be my only choice
If I could paint a masterpiece
I'd trace it from your face
If I could have the perfect gift
I'd want your warm embrace
If I could take you in my arms
I'd keep you there forever
If I could find the perfect way
To tell you this is true
I'd simply hold you close to me
And whisper "I Love You"
.:This my friend Jan Michael wrote way back during our Senior High year:.
...::: I find it too difficult to fall in love. That I must admit. I know. I know those reading this who know me will probably raise their eyebrows. But this is my honest-to-goodness 'true' confession.
...:::I may find a guy attractive at first because of his physical looks. After that, i look at how well he speaks his mind and how high he esteems women. If I find him attractive and a real dope, I lose interest.
...:::Another thing is that I am just scared.
...:::Of what? Of having that type of relationship between opposite sexes. I find it icky! It pukes me, really. The first time I had one, it only lasted less than a year. [hehehe]
...:::So, honestly, who would want someone like me?
Monday, September 15, 2003
My Friendships...
Here’s one thing about me: I love my friends
I have varied types of friends, as everyone does. In terms of ‘sexual orientation’ [ I prefer to say it this way… not “SEX” or even “Gender”], I have female friends who behave as is and otherwise; I have male friends as well who are as we may put it, ‘straight’ and some are just plain ‘womanly’.
It is such a disheartening truth that not too many people accept how others portray their sexuality eventhough we’re now living in a free world. Some are just too inclined to the old customs that it is rather difficult for them to accept things as they are now. I say, let’s get off each other’s noses! But then I will not be putting much talk about sexual orientation now. Some other time.
Anyway, here’s a special message from one of my best friends [ I have two.]:
“Thank you so much for being a friend that I need. I know words are not enough to let you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. You are one of the sweetest pieces of the puzzle completing my life. Though we had some arguments in the past… ‘Kaw pa rin ang best friend ko!”
This is just a part of the message she wrote in her ‘supposed’ letter for me that she sent for my ‘supposed’ 18th birthday. I was abroad then and the letter contained a wrong address so it was sent back to her here in manila.
“Sana sa debut ko, ‘andito ka. You’ll be the best gift for my birthday if you’ll come.”
That she said in her letter. Little did she know I was already planning to come back home. I don’t know if she was surprised to learn last June that I was already here.
Of course, I was there during that particular moment in her life. And I can say that she was extremely happy.
Well, I am glad that I made that choice back in the year 1998 to befriend two people I [most often than not] considered my foes then. I am so much blessed already to have them both, and still more friendships kept pouring in.
‘Chemically speaking, my life is a ‘mixture’ different types of ‘solutes’ [ I am the ‘solvent’] making it taste uncommonly, feel icky [sometimes, that is], look oozy, stink like human feces and exotic perfume at the same time. In short, I could be anything ‘cause I have everything, [like an ad for a vitamins]: from A to Zinc.’
vii::Natsumi
I have varied types of friends, as everyone does. In terms of ‘sexual orientation’ [ I prefer to say it this way… not “SEX” or even “Gender”], I have female friends who behave as is and otherwise; I have male friends as well who are as we may put it, ‘straight’ and some are just plain ‘womanly’.
It is such a disheartening truth that not too many people accept how others portray their sexuality eventhough we’re now living in a free world. Some are just too inclined to the old customs that it is rather difficult for them to accept things as they are now. I say, let’s get off each other’s noses! But then I will not be putting much talk about sexual orientation now. Some other time.
Anyway, here’s a special message from one of my best friends [ I have two.]:
“Thank you so much for being a friend that I need. I know words are not enough to let you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. You are one of the sweetest pieces of the puzzle completing my life. Though we had some arguments in the past… ‘Kaw pa rin ang best friend ko!”
This is just a part of the message she wrote in her ‘supposed’ letter for me that she sent for my ‘supposed’ 18th birthday. I was abroad then and the letter contained a wrong address so it was sent back to her here in manila.
“Sana sa debut ko, ‘andito ka. You’ll be the best gift for my birthday if you’ll come.”
That she said in her letter. Little did she know I was already planning to come back home. I don’t know if she was surprised to learn last June that I was already here.
Of course, I was there during that particular moment in her life. And I can say that she was extremely happy.
Well, I am glad that I made that choice back in the year 1998 to befriend two people I [most often than not] considered my foes then. I am so much blessed already to have them both, and still more friendships kept pouring in.
‘Chemically speaking, my life is a ‘mixture’ different types of ‘solutes’ [ I am the ‘solvent’] making it taste uncommonly, feel icky [sometimes, that is], look oozy, stink like human feces and exotic perfume at the same time. In short, I could be anything ‘cause I have everything, [like an ad for a vitamins]: from A to Zinc.’
vii::Natsumi
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend...
In every moment of our lives, time is of the essence. We cannot alter its speed. We cannot alter what has happened beyond it. We only have "now" and maybe "tomorrow".
Now upon pondering, I realize that I am losing much time. I've been, yeah, stagnant here in my miserable, bitter yet joyful and meaningful existence.
Someone told me to get a grip, move my ass out of this stinking shit and get a life. Talk about life! But, yeah, I must admit, I've been too busy planning what to do next that too much time have passed by. But not too much as to make people think I am very old. [hahaha!]
My "soul" sister told me to realize what my real dream is. And to realize that, I know I need to reach into the bowels of my heart, mind and soul. I think I've forgotten too much about myself that sometimes I do not know if this is really me or am I in limbo. This "soul" sister is a special friend of mine. She's like a friend, sister, twin, mother and everything in between [she'd not a lesbian though]. I am grateful to God for having her in my life. Thank you, "ate-kambal".
I promise to get a "life" soon. Thanks for believing in me and I'm sorry if I'm about to lose some time again.
Now upon pondering, I realize that I am losing much time. I've been, yeah, stagnant here in my miserable, bitter yet joyful and meaningful existence.
Someone told me to get a grip, move my ass out of this stinking shit and get a life. Talk about life! But, yeah, I must admit, I've been too busy planning what to do next that too much time have passed by. But not too much as to make people think I am very old. [hahaha!]
My "soul" sister told me to realize what my real dream is. And to realize that, I know I need to reach into the bowels of my heart, mind and soul. I think I've forgotten too much about myself that sometimes I do not know if this is really me or am I in limbo. This "soul" sister is a special friend of mine. She's like a friend, sister, twin, mother and everything in between [she'd not a lesbian though]. I am grateful to God for having her in my life. Thank you, "ate-kambal".
I promise to get a "life" soon. Thanks for believing in me and I'm sorry if I'm about to lose some time again.
214 vii:: Rivermaya
am i real
do the words i speak before you
make you feel
that the love i have for you
will see no ending
but if you'll look into my eyes
then you should know
that there is nothing here to doubt,
nothing to fear
and you can lay your questions down
'cause if you'll hold me
we can fade into the night
and you'll know
* the world could die
and everything may lie
still you shant cry
'cause time may pass
but longer than it'll last
i'll be by your side
take my hand
and gently close your eyes
so you could understand
that there's no greater love tonight
than what i've for you
well, if you feel the same way for me
then let go
we can journey to the garden
of your love
life is short, my darling,
tell me that you love me
so we can fade into the light
and you'll know
*
forever by your side
i want you to know
**the world could lie
and everything may die
still you shan't cry
'cause time may pass
and everything won't last
i'll be by your side
forever by your side[2x]
so you won't cry
::here's one of my favorite songs...::
do the words i speak before you
make you feel
that the love i have for you
will see no ending
but if you'll look into my eyes
then you should know
that there is nothing here to doubt,
nothing to fear
and you can lay your questions down
'cause if you'll hold me
we can fade into the night
and you'll know
* the world could die
and everything may lie
still you shant cry
'cause time may pass
but longer than it'll last
i'll be by your side
take my hand
and gently close your eyes
so you could understand
that there's no greater love tonight
than what i've for you
well, if you feel the same way for me
then let go
we can journey to the garden
of your love
life is short, my darling,
tell me that you love me
so we can fade into the light
and you'll know
*
forever by your side
i want you to know
**the world could lie
and everything may die
still you shan't cry
'cause time may pass
and everything won't last
i'll be by your side
forever by your side[2x]
so you won't cry
::here's one of my favorite songs...::
Friday, September 05, 2003
It is best to love first what you are fitted to love. You must start somewhere and have some roots and deep soil.
:: JRR Tolkien
It's difficult business- falling in love. One must be ready to take in everything, whether it be sweet happiness or bitter pain.
But for me, my case is not concerned with "falling in love with whom", but rather, "falling in love with what and how".
When I was in primary 1, I thought that after that I'd be like that woman speaking in front of the class and teaching us how to read and write. Exactly, a teacher! I felt really awed that I still had to go to school for a decade... that becoming a teacher took more than a year in school [being primary 1 student as a matter of fact].
In my sixth grade in primary school, I discovered I could write. Not that I was unable to write anything comprehensible since kindergarten. I could write with 'content' if you know what I mean. I was a copywriter. And since then, I considered journalism one of my greatest dreams.
Enter my secondary school years. I met new sets of friends, broke ties with some of the old ones and created new ones with those I knew since primary but never had the chance to kindle anything between us. It was an exhilarating experience! Friendship, freedom and new challenges. Along came that someone who awoken something in me that made me a different person from what I used to be somehow. She kindled that fire in me to explore life, love life, and live life. And so, I learned to love the science of life— biology. Then somebody else unraveled my supposed talent in writing. He encouraged me to write again… about anything under the sun. He inspired me to become a staff for the school paper. My part in the school’s two papers, published in both English and Filipino, was, as I may say it, history.
But sometimes, the most unexpected things happen and you just have to let them pass without further adieu. Two of the most important people in my life called it “quits” forever. I got an offer from my relatives abroad to study under their support and care. And I passed the entrance exam from the most coveted universities in Manila [the only university where I took an entrance exam]. Result: my brain resorted to confusion, numbness and a certain trance-like dream.
One day, ‘she’ asked me what I would be taking up for college. I told her I was considering Biology. Her answer, I thought, burst my dream bubble. I thought she would be the most keen person to persuade me to follow her footsteps. Well, I thought wrong. And ‘he’, I suppose he was just another gay spirit who went along my direction and started a friendship with me and the rest of the gang. Not only did we become friends, he also chose to force me into a path I would later regret taking. But it had happened already and I can never return to the past to mend it.
After graduating from secondary school last march 2002, I still didn’t have a clear idea as to what course to take in college… I didn’t have a clear picture of my “supposed-to-be future”. A self-proclaimed grammarian, journalist and biologist... Talk about dreams!!! Specifically, daydreaming.
Everyone knows I went abroad to pursue something I didn’t have any idea about. Well, I took it and I don’t regret it. My one-year stint there was worth so many things. I obtained an international diploma.
But right now, I think I am losing so much time by just hanging around here. I am planning to take up a medical course, which is not Biology. I don’t know if my mind would work right again this time. I just hope it does, like what we both did back abroad.
And talk about love… Have I fallen in love thrice already?
I loved my first love. Was I fit to love it in the first place? I think I was, if not for my talent in it. And where did I start? In school where I lost and gained so much of myself.
I just hope that my new plans will succeed.
So help me God.
It's difficult business- falling in love. One must be ready to take in everything, whether it be sweet happiness or bitter pain.
But for me, my case is not concerned with "falling in love with whom", but rather, "falling in love with what and how".
When I was in primary 1, I thought that after that I'd be like that woman speaking in front of the class and teaching us how to read and write. Exactly, a teacher! I felt really awed that I still had to go to school for a decade... that becoming a teacher took more than a year in school [being primary 1 student as a matter of fact].
In my sixth grade in primary school, I discovered I could write. Not that I was unable to write anything comprehensible since kindergarten. I could write with 'content' if you know what I mean. I was a copywriter. And since then, I considered journalism one of my greatest dreams.
Enter my secondary school years. I met new sets of friends, broke ties with some of the old ones and created new ones with those I knew since primary but never had the chance to kindle anything between us. It was an exhilarating experience! Friendship, freedom and new challenges. Along came that someone who awoken something in me that made me a different person from what I used to be somehow. She kindled that fire in me to explore life, love life, and live life. And so, I learned to love the science of life— biology. Then somebody else unraveled my supposed talent in writing. He encouraged me to write again… about anything under the sun. He inspired me to become a staff for the school paper. My part in the school’s two papers, published in both English and Filipino, was, as I may say it, history.
But sometimes, the most unexpected things happen and you just have to let them pass without further adieu. Two of the most important people in my life called it “quits” forever. I got an offer from my relatives abroad to study under their support and care. And I passed the entrance exam from the most coveted universities in Manila [the only university where I took an entrance exam]. Result: my brain resorted to confusion, numbness and a certain trance-like dream.
One day, ‘she’ asked me what I would be taking up for college. I told her I was considering Biology. Her answer, I thought, burst my dream bubble. I thought she would be the most keen person to persuade me to follow her footsteps. Well, I thought wrong. And ‘he’, I suppose he was just another gay spirit who went along my direction and started a friendship with me and the rest of the gang. Not only did we become friends, he also chose to force me into a path I would later regret taking. But it had happened already and I can never return to the past to mend it.
After graduating from secondary school last march 2002, I still didn’t have a clear idea as to what course to take in college… I didn’t have a clear picture of my “supposed-to-be future”. A self-proclaimed grammarian, journalist and biologist... Talk about dreams!!! Specifically, daydreaming.
Everyone knows I went abroad to pursue something I didn’t have any idea about. Well, I took it and I don’t regret it. My one-year stint there was worth so many things. I obtained an international diploma.
But right now, I think I am losing so much time by just hanging around here. I am planning to take up a medical course, which is not Biology. I don’t know if my mind would work right again this time. I just hope it does, like what we both did back abroad.
And talk about love… Have I fallen in love thrice already?
I loved my first love. Was I fit to love it in the first place? I think I was, if not for my talent in it. And where did I start? In school where I lost and gained so much of myself.
I just hope that my new plans will succeed.
So help me God.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
a lot of things have been hidden from me... from the most minute detail of my life to the most complex aspects of the this wild and crazy world... everything is hidden well behind that hour before the sun rises in the east the following mornig. it has always been a challenge for me to chase the dawn... but as always, my strength fails me.
i despair at the utmost sight of loss... but sometimes, there's more to it than just 'losing'... "you lose something, you gain something" and vice versa...
but i know i can not give up when i still have something in me that makes me breathe... i breathe the air of life... i live life...
for as long as there is life in me, despair shall not overcome me wholly...
i despair at the utmost sight of loss... but sometimes, there's more to it than just 'losing'... "you lose something, you gain something" and vice versa...
but i know i can not give up when i still have something in me that makes me breathe... i breathe the air of life... i live life...
for as long as there is life in me, despair shall not overcome me wholly...
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